What Do You Do With 10,000 Dollars?
by Ulquiorra9000
Summary: When Sheldon is offered 10,000 dollars in the mail, everyone's dying for him to accept it and buy something neat... but as usual, Sheldon's plans don't mesh with theirs very well. One-shot, set in season 6-7ish.


**What Do You Do With $10,000?**

by Ulquiorra9000

"...all I'm saying is that if I'm going to be sent to the Human Resources department, it should be for a legitimate reason," Sheldon insisted as he and Leonard trudged into their apartment's front lobby. Cool November air washed in after them, carrying the scent of damp leaves.

Leonard sighed. "Launching into a loud tirade at the cafeteria staff about 'improperly-tossed salads unworthy even for a cow' is a plenty good reason if you ask me."

"You're not even _trying_ to be on my side, are you?"

"I'm on the side of trying to end this conversation."

Sheldon threw his hands into the air. "Good friends are hard to come by, as the saying goes." He winced as he peeled a damp, brown leaf off his shoe. "And don't get me started on the far-too-wide intervals of raking the apartment ground. It's a mess out there."

"Truly, a disaster," Leonard muttered to himself. His head was aching from Sheldon's babbling on the ride home, and hitting all red lights on the way sure hadn't helped. He worked his way around one of their wider neighbors, then wearily tugged open his and Sheldon's mail box. Junk, junk, junk...

Then an _interesting_ piece of mail. Addressed to Sheldon.

"Leonard?" Sheldon prompted, seeing his roommate stare at the thick piece of paper.

Leonard handed it over. "It says you won $10,000. It actually looks pretty legit."

Sheldon nodded in approval as he accepted his mail. "I _finally_ got that research grant. I suppose my 'whiny tone' does pay off sometimes. Backed up by my infalliable logic, that is."

Then he read the piece of paper and handed it back with a sour look. "If you're going to get my hopes up over nonsense -"

"I know it isn't the grant you wanted," Leonard said, "but... I recognize that company name!" He broke into an incredulous grin. "Sheldon, that's from a conglomerate that celebrates up-and-coming high-profile people in the whole state! It's like a grant from the state government!"

Sheldon scoffed. "I'm renowned for my _work_ , Leonard. You know that. A grant of any kind would come through the university. Did it?"

Leonard looked the paper over again. "No..."

"I rest my case." Sheldon turned on his heel and stalked upstairs. "Hurry. I'm famished after not eating that amateurishly-tossed salad. I might as well have eaten out of a pig trough..."

But Leonard was rooted in place, checking the paper for any sign of forgery or a scam. But there was none. This _had_ to be real. Right?

He finally tore himself from his reverie and jogged up the stairs.

This wasn't over!

*o*o*o*o*

"Okay, let me see the paper in question. I'm something of an expert in these things."

At lunch the next day, a partly cloudy Thursday, Howard motioned with one hand over his plate of a chicken patty sandwich and fries in the university cafeteria.

Leonard obeyed. "Here."

"How is someone an _expert_ in something like this? It's either real or isn't," Raj commented. "Just how much spam do you deal with, Howard?"

"Hey, I've found a few really good deals by having a fool-proof phishing detector, right in here," Howard said confidently, tapping his head with a finger. "Now, let me see..." He muttered the paper's words to himself. Across the table, Sheldon folded his arms over his Superman T-shirt.

"You're wasting your time," Sheldon said, not touching his own chicken patty sandwich. "As I told Leonard, any real grant would have come through the university at some point. This didn't."

Leonard sighed. "It _acts_ like a grant, Sheldon. Don't you need new equipment? As opposed to your 'smelly medieval devices'?"

"Some of my equipment does date back to the late 90s," Sheldon admitted. "The bigger ones, yes. But I _won't_ accept some cunningly-disguised scam that -"

Howard set the paper down with a grin. "This is real, Sheldon. You gotta go to city hall to get it taken care of, but you'll have your money!" Then he leaned over the table and lowered his voice. "And I don't think it _has_ to be spent on work stuff, either. You could spend it on _anything_..."

"Like a pair of jet skis," Raj put in hopefully.

Howard made an impatient noise. "Why is it always jet skis with you?"

Raj shrugged. "I know what I like. Jet skis, and a new dog bed for Cinnamon."

"Small dreams aside," Howard plowed on, "Sheldon, you could go wild with this! That's what _I'd_ do." His grin grew way more cunning.

"Hey, I think Sheldon should invest this in new equipment. Partly so he'll stop complaining about what he's got now," Leonard insisted. He glanced at his roommate. "Right?"

Sheldon pursed his lips. "I'm not taking it. That money could be... be..."

"Spent on jet skis," Raj encouraged him.

"Spent on equipment," Leonard argued.

Sheldon slapped his hands on his desk. "Spent on nothing! Must I repeat myself? This is why I get so frustated talking to you all." He humphed, then picked up his tray and relocated to a table on the east wall.

Leonard stared at Sheldon over his shoulder. "He thinks _we're_ hard to deal with?"

"It's a shame," Raj said, shaking his head. He took a sip of water. "I wanted to see what he'd buy with that money."

"It sure wouldn't be a dog bed," Leonard commented. He raised his eyebrows. "That's weird. I feel like I should know what he'd spend sudden money on, but I'm drawing a blank here."

"Clearly, he needs a few suggestions," Howard said. He drew his cell phone and dialed a number. "I know a guy."

Leonard snatched away Howard's phone. "I don't even want to know where you're going with this. But it's Sheldon's money, and he should decide what to do about it."

"Apparently, nothing," Raj said, watching across the cafeteria as Sheldon sullently ate his lunch.

"They should have sent it to _me_ ," Howard said wistfully.

Leonard checked the dialed but uncalled number on Howard's phone, scowled, and handed it back. "Thank God they didn't."

*o*o*o*o*

Later that evening, Penny stared at Leonard in shock from over the rim of her half-full wineglass. "He got sent grant money but won't accept it?"

Leonard shrugged from his spot across Penny's couch. "He doesn't trust it. That's the problem. He's so sure it's a scam and that he's gonna have his bank account hacked or something. But I _know_ that company. They like to phrase it that they invest $10,000 at a time in bright minds all over California."

Penny made a "huh" noise and sipped her wine. "That's funny. If there's anything you guys taught me, it's that flattering Sheldon really prods him along. He's always gotta show off that big brain of his."

"I dunno what to do," Leonard admitted, "or if I _should_ do anything! I mean, it's not my money, but..."

"Yeah?"

Leonard grinned sheepishly. "I'm really curious now. The suspense is killing me. And Howard, according to his million text messages telling me how Sheldon should spend the money. Half of his ideas would land Sheldon in jail."

Penny got up and opened her fridge, scanning for snacks. "What about Raj? He's pretty down-to-earth, right? He'd have a good idea, I bet."

Leonard snorted. "All he can think about is how he'd pamper himself with $10,000. Trust me, designer silk shirts and fine wine are _not_ Sheldon's gig."

Penny gave up on finding a snack and folded her arms. "Hey, here's an idea... what if you guys all split it up?"

"That's -" Leonard paused. "Hey, maybe..."

"What would you get with $2,500?"

Leonard scratched his head. "I want to say 'a replica of Gandalf's staff hand-carved from high-quality wood', but..."

"But you ain't gonna do that, are you?"

Penny's tone left no doubt.

Leonard glanced down. "But this assumes that Sheldon would let us have some. He's practically going to soak the paper in holy water and burn it to protect his bank passwords."

"Wait 'till Sheldon's asleep," Penny suggested, pointing at her boyfriend, "and do what you have to do so you get that money."

"I'd have to take it to city hall," Leonard said slowly, "but it requires the recipient to be there... I'd have to think of something."

That something did _not_ include Howard's forgery friends!

"I'm sure you can." Penny smiled as she sat next to Leonard and took one of his hands in hers. "I think it's about time you treated yourself."

Leonard made an awkward smile. "But what about you?"

"What's the biggest thing that makes you happy?"

That was an easy one. "Making _you_ happy." Leonard kissed Penny's cheek.

The mission was on!

*o*o*o*o*

Sheldon was shut up in his room and quietly snoring at 10:00 PM on the dot. Thank goodness for his clockwork life!

Leonard, in his sleep clothes and red bathrobe, padded his way through the dimly-lit living room and dug through the papers, notebooks, and heavy books on Sheldon's work desk. He frowned as he checked the drawers too, but the grant paper didn't show itself.

"It's gotta be here somewhere," Leonarad muttered as he kept digging. But it was totally absent.

Wait... Sheldon liked his hiding spots. Take, for example, the 50-dollar bills in the Green Lantern figurine, or the emergency funds hidden behind that wall-mounted sword's plaque, or the pack of $5 bills under the microwave. Leonard snooped in those spots. Nothin' but the expected cash!

"What the hell!" Leonard muttered, frustrated.

"What, indeed," came a familiar voice.

"What the -!" Leonard whirled around and beheld Sheldon standing in the hallway entrance in his plaid bathrobe, hands on his hips.

"Did I scare you?" Sheldon asked, his tone inscrutable.

Leonard willed his racing heart to slow down. "N-no... no."

"You ought to improve your poker face."

"I thought you were asleep!"

"Yes, as I led you to believe. I figured you might be up to something." Sheldon narrowed his eyes. "I _thought_ you'd try to acquire my paper and try to get the money like some cartoon bandit. I won't allow such a misdeed under my roof."

" _Our_ roof."

"Semantics," Sheldon said with a wave of his hand. "It's a moot point in any case. I've already dealt with the ersatz grant."

Leonard stomped a foot. "It's not ersatz or a scam, Sheldon! Why can't you let something good happen to you?"

"I _did_ accomplish something. Stay there."

Leonard stood there, seething as Sheldon jogged back to his room. Sheldon came back with a glass display case about ten inches square, with tiny lights inside illuminating the grant paper, which sat secured in a cushion in the case.

Leonard stared and made an impatient noise. "Where did you get that?"

"Wolowitz isn't the only one with mutually beneficial relationships with craft experts," Sheldon said smugly. He shook the case slightly for emphasis. "While you were giggling about gossip with Penny earlier -"

"I do not giggle!"

"Very well. While you were chuckling about gossip with Penny earlier, I had this made for me. This paper will stay here for all time."

Leonard ran a hand over his face. "You could've either cashed it in or thrown it away. Why put it in a case, for goodness' sake?" The headache from this afternoon crept its way back into his mind.

"It's a trophy of my victory," Sheldon explained, "over scam artists and robbers who flatter themselves masters of deception, and my triumph over such nonsense. My _real_ money is safe, as is my SSN and so on. I am far too savvy in today's world of tricks and theft to fall victim like that. This display commemorates that fact."

"Savvy" wasn't a term that generally applied to Sheldon outside the lab. But Leonard bit his tongue. Instead, he raised his arms, then dropped them helplessly at his sides. "Okay, fine. You win. Over me, and all the phishing scam masterminds out there." He was _this_ sure that Sheldon missed the bitter sarcasm.

Sheldon nodded in satisfaction. "Indeed. I'm glad you see it my way. Now, the only questions remains as to where to place this..." He looked around for a good spot, testing different surfaces and rejecting them, muttering under his breath the whole time.

"See you in the morning," Leonard groaned, and he retreated to his bedroom and flopped onto the bed, still in his robe.

Even a pair of jet skis was better than this!

 **The end.**


End file.
